As I stand outside our favourite coffee house at Connaught Place, all that engulfs me save the winter fog is reminiscence. I light my cigarette and convert my solitude into an imperfect threesome - I, Marlboro, and cold nostalgia. As my cigarette is half finished, she approaches from the mist. She isn't very near to me but I can always see her exquisite baby blue eyes even in the darkest of places. Upon seeing me, she smiles : Oh, that beautiful Cameron Diaz smile that has the power to conquer all my fears! But her smile fades when she sees the cigarette in my hand. Walking a little faster now, she comes to me.
"You won't ever stop this, will you?" she asks.
"This is just one of those few cigarettes I smoke in a month now." I answer, trying to pacify her.
Truly, I quit smoking a long time ago. These were just little pranks I'd do to see that concerned look on her face. The concern that would make me realise that I'm the luckiest man on Earth and feel invincible. But times have changed, she doesn't look concerned anymore. All she does is give me a blank stare and ask me to finish it quickly. It's disheartening to see her do this, so I just throw my cigarette away without finishing it. We make our way inside.
The aroma of coffee beans rejuvenates my senses as I look around. The place has been renovated, but for me, it's the same as it was 3 years ago. I give her the menu card and ask what she wants to have but all I get in response is a shallow denial.
"Are you fine?" I ask.
"Yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm just not feeling like having coffee right now." she says.
So I order one for myself and we talk about our personal lives. By the time I'm through with my coffee, she has begun to open up a little. We talk for another half an hour before leaving the place.
This is the most despicable situation I can think of ; her going away. I want to ask her to stay a little longer, but I don't have the nerve anymore.
"Would you like to come on a walk with me?" She asks.
My eyes widen as I look at her. Supercalifraglisticexpialidocious, this is what I tell myself as I'm speechless.
"Come on, it's been a long time." she says to my utter delight.
"Sure." I answer while trying my best to hide my rapture.
We walk through the January fog for 10 minutes talking about everything happening around us. Suddenly, she changes the topic, "I'm glad you have changed. You used to be such an ass then."
"Yeah, I know. Probably the biggest ass."
As I say this, cogitation takes me 3 years back.
.
.
.
"Stop it. Now." she shouted.
"Shut up, will you?" I answered as I gulped down another peg of whiskey.
"Please, you have already drunk one bottle of this poison."
"Ah! This is better, much better than those cocky producers."
She came near and hugged me tightly. "It's okay, let those producers rot in hell. I know how much talented you are, and I love you for that."
"Your acknowledgement doesn't pay me anything!" I shouted badly.
"Alcohol doesn't either."
"Why can't you stop being a bitch? Stop giving these shitty arguments and mind your own business."
I pushed her.
I was in a live-in relationship with her and she was the earning member since I didn't have a pay job. I had been a struggling rapper for quite a long time and that day was one of those unfortunate ones when I was rejected by another music producer. Alcohol had gotten the better of my wits and I could've done anything else that I could get away with but I made an unforgivable mistake that night...
We were preparing to sleep. She kissed me good night and tried to sleep but I pulled her near me.
"Let's make love tonight." I said.
"Please, dear. Not tonight. I'm so tired right now because of working extra shifts."
"I want to make love tonight, that's it. Make me feel invincible."
My eyes were completely red because of drinking too much and she just shrugged me off saying that I'm high, nothing else. So I forcibly began to kiss her neck. Rightfully enough, she pushed me.
The biggest mistake of my life was committed at that moment. I slapped her ; not once, but twice.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She screamed.
"Maybe it's you, bitch! Sometimes I wonder why you are still alive." I shouted back.
I pushed her outside the room and locked it from the inside for the whole night. When I woke up, hungover, it was early morning and she was outside, crying. Her sobbing suddenly reminded me of my disgraceful act. As I tried to go near her, she raised her head and looked at me. It was evident she had cried the whole night. Shame and sorrow captivated me.
"Leave me alone. At least for some time." She spoke, choking on her words.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry dear -"
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I was in a fix for I had no idea about what to do. How could I ask her to forgive me when I couldn't forgive myself. The best I could do was make her a coffee and stay shut up.
That morning, I received a call from a studio that wanted my demo track for evaluation.
I still couldn't face her so I wrote a note and put it on the kitchen shelf, where she'd go to make breakfast for herself. I left for the studio without telling her, just informed her that I'm going out.
5 Hours Later...
Finally, my bad days were about to be over. Devastation would find the cessation it sought. The producer at the studio was absolutely impressed by my work and wanted to do an album with me. The advance payment cheque of Rs. 50,000 was in my pocket and the first thing I wanted to do was take my love to a nice lunch, for, she was my support system, my engine and my motivation when the night was darkest. I rushed home and as I approached the door, it was locked from the outside. I had a duplicate key so I unlocked it and went inside. I didn't bother to see anything and ran straight to the kitchen. The note was lying there, untouched. But as I went back towards the front table in the living room, there was another note lying there.
"I know it's a hard time for us and we're supposed to work it out together. But I've given up
almost everything for you and after what happened last night, I'm tired. Not that I've given up
on us, I still love you like I used to, but we need to spend some time alone to realise each other's importance. I don't know where I'm going or when I'll be back, but I'm sure that I'm headed somewhere and I'll be back sometime. I wish you all the best for your rapping career and I'm
sure that you will make it to the top before I'm back. Love."
She was gone. Tears were flowing from my eyes like a waterfall from it's cliff. My limbs felt paralysed as I knelt to the ground holding that piece of paper. The sound of shattered dreams was deafening and unbearable. Every mistake I made, every time I gave her hell, was haunting me at that moment.
.
.
.
"Hey, what happened?" She asks, breaking my chain of thoughts.
"Nothing. I'm just really glad that you're back. I feel invincible again since my engine is back." I answer with a teary eye.
"I'll always be back dear, after all, I'm your lucky charm."
Suddenly, a cold wind blows and a chill through my spine sends me in a trance. Few seconds later, I look to my side ; there is no one. She has vanished. There's just her photograph in my hand. Reality bites me yet again.
She'd always tell me that we'd be together till the end but little did I know that was the end. My lucky charm never came back. She met with a car accident that evening and left me devastated forever. The sands of time are just a mere fantasy for me now. Karma's savagery is too fierce to let time pass by, I'm just a victim stuck in my past, for there's no present and certainly no future without her.
I am just a breathing corpse now. Seldom does it happen that my little figments of imagination take me to those eternal moments where we can be together till the end of time. In my heart, she's still my immortal.
I still visit the graveyard every day to meet her in my head. Sometimes, I'd look up to the skies and wonder if she'd actually forgiven me. I hope she did, because that is the one thing for which I can sacrifice my entire life. Although I don't deserve forgiveness, but I know she'd have considered my apology not because I'm filthy, but because she is grand.
I take my wallet out to keep her picture there, which was formerly in my pocket. But it is full with cash and two pieces of papers. One of the papers is the last note she had left for me so I decide to take the other one : a cheque of Rs. 10000000, which I made from my latest rap album.
I carefully place her picture in my wallet and give her a smile so she can embrace my love for today, at least.
"Yes, my dear. You are my lucky charm."